Why Oh Lord...

I am currently doing my OB/GYN rotation as a third year medical student and today was easily the most difficult day of my training. I didn't take a test nor did I have some humiliating blunder that forced me to stuff my head in the sand. No, actually I witnessed grief of unimaginable proportions as I assisted my preceptor (the doctor I work under) with removing a stillborn baby girl from its mother. I witnessed this grief not as the father did as he clutched his wife's hand and cried, all the while trying to remain strong. I watched as the mother's mom nearly gagged as she saw the lifeless, limp baby covered in blood emerge from her daughter's womb. I watched her hold her granddaughter for the first time with the reality setting in that no return of love would ever come from this precious life. I watched as the mother pushed and pushed through her tears only to not have the joy of holding the daughter she has dreamed of during the past months. My medical textbooks tell me that she experienced a fetal demise with retention of the "products of conception." However, the family made no efforts to hide their pain at the loss of their daughter/granddaughter. Such a distinction allows medical personnel a certain distance from the emotion that I found difficult to maintain. My preceptor informing me more of the diagnostic and treatment guidelines under such circumstances interrupted my thoughts as I wrestled to walk in the tensions between the worlds in which I have chosen to live. I found myself shedding tears along with the family seeking to walk with them through their pain while I was expected to learn the science of physiology of a fetal demise from inside a profession in which "professional distance" is assumed. How do I maintain such a balance that I know needs to exist. A complete acceptance of such boundaries creates a barrier that turns physicians into standoffish jerks. However, a complete denial of such boundaries can certainly be risky in terms of the quality of patient care. Today I felt torn in the midst of a ministry struggle unlike anything I have experienced to this point. Why oh Lord....